I had someone ask me this today. Normally, if I weren't pregnant, that question wouldn't have bothered me...even if I'd just had a child.
Today, though, it nearly brought me to tears. The words where right there. I fought so hard not to scream them. "I'm supposed to be!!" "I WAS!" It took everything for me to not break down. Everything.
And so ends my silence. Everything happened at once. We were moving. I had a new life inside of me. We were about to finish our move. I lost that life. My baby went to be with Jesus. I kept focusing on the move and didn't deal with our loss. We moved to a new place. I had to unload a truck. Needed to start schooling the kids again. Had to find a place to live. Couldn't deal with our loss.
Couldn't? Or didn't?
When our car broke down the other day & I cried uncontrollably for 2 hours, I knew it wasn't because of the car. It was because I had lost another baby, and I hadn't dealt with our loss. I kept pushing it down because I was busy, and that was easier.
I didn't blog because I didn't know what to say. I was hurt. Blogging about it meant dealing with it. And I didn't want to deal with it. I didn't want to feel the pain. Because that was easier.
I could be superficial on Twitter & Facebook. I couldn't be superficial here. This blog...this is my heart. And my heart is broken.