Monday

Answering the Census, Part II

Perhaps I was a bit harsh. I have been informed by certain parties that if I were a real Christian then I would do everything the government asks of me in the name of the Lord. (So as to remain a good witness, of course.) Well, I CERTAINLY don't want to be a bad witness. Instead, I've decided I WILL answer every single question asked of me in the census; even if I get the long form.

Honestly, though, I'm a little concerned. Last year, they sent a survey around called the American Community Survey. It was...shall we say...a little (as in majorly) invasive. I tried my best to be up front & honest when the census worker came because we hadn't answered the paper survey. I felt like they weren't too pleased with my answers for some reason, though. I cannot for the life of me imagine why. Here's a snippet of my answers:

Kids? Wow! That's such a hard number to come up with. Did you want the number of times we've TRIED to conceive kids or the details of when we were successful?

Ancestry? Hmmm. Does bi-polar paranoid schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder fit into that category? Not that we have any of that here.

Profession? Which day of the week and which hour of that day? I have approximately 4,586 titles. Would you like them all? Did I mention multiple-personality disorder yet?

Number of years we've lived WHERE? Oh. Here? Which time? Cause I lived here yesterday. And I live here today, but I'm not sure if I'll still live here tomorrow. You know what they say. Don't count your chickens until you put off till tomorrow what you could have done today. Or something like that.

Previous addresses? How long do you have?

You want a GPS reading? Of my front door? The front door of my car? The front door of my house? Or the other front door of my house? Or the other one? I have 3. My house has multiple front door disorder.

Sexual orientation? I think that's kind of private, but I love it when my husband does...What? Why are you stopping me? YOU asked!

Toilets that flush? Why? Do you need to use the restroom? No? Then why do you ask? Did my son pee in the front yard again?

Do we have weapons? Why? What did they tell you? Did you see something? I left the shovel out again, didn't I? Great. Now I have to...Why are you looking at me like that? What did I say? Multiple personality disorder? Where'd you get an idea like that?

Wait! Where are you going? You still have so many questions that I haven't answered...


Perhaps this year will be better? I can't wait.

2 comments:

melissa said...

This was hilarious! Ok, seriously now, if being a good Christian witness means following the letter of the law then we should all have an abortion at our earliest convenience bc the gov't says they are legal. Also, don't put an ice cream cone in your pocket in Maine on a Tues bc that is illegal. Ok, I made that up but have you seen some of the ridiculous laws on the books? Including the one that says abortion is legal? I abhor that one, btw, and I know you do too. Why must we blindly follow our definitely un-divinely inspired gov't?

April said...

:-) I checked, double checked and triple checked, and the only question we are required to answer according to the Constitution is how many people in our home. (I know you know this, lol). So, exactly how is it that you are not being a good Christian witness by giving them answers to all the other questions?

For so long now we have been indoctrinated...I mean taught...to give the govt. much more than we should. Give unto Cesar what is his....I know. But aren't we also called to stand up for Christ? Telling the govt. how many flush toilets I have isn't exactly compromising my faith, lol, but the more we give, the more they expect. We have to start taking a stand somewhere. I got our census yesterday and it's the short form so there were no crazy questions. But I'm still answering # of people and that's it. :-)

 
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