"The Zip"

We’ve all heard about putting on winter weight or “packing on the pounds”. You know. That time when the pants that went on you just fine last summer…no longer want to go on?

No matter how hard you try.

So this morning, I taught my 9yr old daughter the fine art of "The Zip". By personal example. I think she was frightened. (As would be evidenced by her running screaming from the room.)

Frankly, I think it’s something every woman should learn, and every man should pretend he doesn’t notice.

If you don’t know what "The Zip" is, then you are horribly thin and disgust me very blessed. “The Zip" is when a woman has um…outgrown…her pants and must lay down on the bed sucking everything…and then some…in to get the pants zipped. The woman may or may not be able to actually sit, stand, or walk (if she can even get up off the bed) once the pants are zipped, but it doesn’t matter. All that does matter is that the pants still zip. Everything else is just a bonus. We figure the pants will leave massive dents in our mid-section stretch a little as we go throughout the day and fit a little better by bedtime. (At which point our entire body screams, “THANK YOU!” for the relief they finally get when the pants are removed.)

And yes. This happened to me today. These pants fit me perfectly last August. Now, a couple of months later, I struggle to get them to zip. My daughter said (shocked), “Mom! Your pants shrunk!” Yeah. That’s it, sweetie. THEY shrunk, I didn’t grow. I love childhood innocence.

I would love to say that this is a “good” weight gain. That I’m pregnant or have just had a baby. Nope. Apparently, I’ve had one too many bowls of healthy, organic fruits and veggies chocolate ice cream. That’s what I get for reading (and believing) studies that say chocolate is good for me!

Guess I’ll have to give all of my chocolate away…after Christmas. (I don’t want to be extreme or anything here.)

Wait! Can I blame my thyroid like Oprah? I do have a thyroid problem; and PCOS. See! I knew it couldn’t have anything to do with the chocolate! Whew! I feel MUCH better! I was really terrified worried there for a minute.



Anonymous said...

Heehee . . . I save the ONE pair of jeans I can squeeze myself into for when I have to leave the house. Otherwise I wear my, ahem, around the house pants. Everyone in my family knows that the first thing I do when I get home is get those jeans off and get into something I can actually move in. When Evan sees me in my jeans he says "Shoes! Shoes! Let's get in the car!"

I keep telling myself, it would be a waste of money to buy new pants now. I'm either going to lose 10 pounds or have another baby. Or maybe both! (I can dream, right?)

Thoughts of THAT mom said...

That's great! Like when I was little and thought my grandmother couldn't possibly be at church because her "church dress" was hanging up to dry in her living room.

I'm guessing she had always happened to be wearing that ONE dress when I went to church with her therefore THAT was her "church dress".