I’m very worried. It appears from your functioning (or lack thereof) that you have forgotten HOW to function.

You remember that the water comes out of the spout. You remember that one controls hot water and the other controls cold. You have not gotten them mixed up and you are faithfully performing these tasks (finally).

Don’t get me wrong. We are VERY thankful that you are doing these duties properly.

I fear, though, that it’s time we have a little talk. While you ARE performing the duties which I described above VERY well now, there are still some areas in which we feel you could improve.

Actually, it’s really just one major area.

Honestly, we’re afraid that if we talk to you we might not get the results we desire. After all, you DID get a little testy last year and forget where to get the hot water from after we fixed a problem in our SINK! We’re still not quite sure what you were thinking or how we convinced you to fix it. What matters to us, is that you did.

However, we are still not completely pleased. Testy though you may have been in the past, we need you to try to hear us clearly: YOU NEED TO LET GO OF THE WATER AFTER WE SHOWER OR BATHE!!! It’s quite apparent that you enjoy basking in our dirty water. You’ve made that QUITE clear…many, many, MANY times! However, we are NOT pleased when we go to take our next shower and find that you have saved a nice, cold pool of water for us. Again, we’re grateful that you saved the worst of it for when it was at least spring. This would not have been fun in the middle of winter. Still…could you please stop? Or rather…NOT stop…and let the water go down!

You know that little hole at the bottom? It’s in the center, right under the bath faucet. It’s the same one over which we have put a nice drain to collect the hair that falls out in massive clumps as our family showers. This drain is to PREVENT you from having an excuse to hold the water!!!!!

Seriously? You need to just get with the program! Is it that you LIKE the big red bowl on a stick that Mr. Thompson shoves on your drain? Please! Give us a CLUE. ANYTHING!

Look. I don’t know what else to say. We’ve already had this talk. MANY times. We just fed you your favorite food again: baking soda and vinegar followed by boiling water. It is NOT okay for you to drain the water JUST long enough for you to think we’re not looking anymore and then start holding it again. That is NOT acceptable and will NOT be tolerated anymore! We have a neighbor with a SNAKE…and he KNOWS how to use it! I really don’t think you want him to come visit you! If you want this to end…without a visit from the snake, then I expect FULL cooperation (and draining) from this point forward.

Do we have an understanding?

-Me