Because. You know. I like to talk about that.

It's not that I want to be naked. It's more that I don't want to hear the hilarious laughter coming from people as they see me attempting to fit into clothes that no woman who weighs...ahem....3 kids more than I used to...should be wearing.

(You didn't really think I'd tell you how much I weigh did you?) I'll give you a hint. Sticking with my favorite theme, I weigh at least 129lbs.

You can stop laughing now.

No. Really.

So. Back to my naked butt at BlogHer. (And the number of people who will run screaming from the hotel as a result.)

Here's the problem. I have clothes. Plenty of them. I do NOT, however, have clothes that do not have some sort of food on them from some little being.

I am also cheap, and as such will not be running out to my nearest boutique to find new clothes just for BlogHer. (Not that any clothes from a place named "boutique" would fit me anyway.) I find I shop best at the, "There's No Way You Weigh JUST 129lbs and You're Fooling Yourself if You Think a Woman Weighs That Much After JUST 3 Kids" store.

Unfortunately, even at that store I find that they truly deal in the "big" woman. As in they think all women who weigh over 129lbs are also giants in the height department. Being barely 5ft tall myself means this can pose a problem. It's not pretty. Trust me.

This is why when I find something I like, I buy 5 of it. You might think I'm wearing the same thing every day. I can assure you, I'm not. I'm simply wearing my THIRD version of this outfit today. It's simply coincidence that this one has the same stains as the other two. It's a gift. Hey. It works. Talk to me after you have YOUR 3rd child. THEN, we'll see who's laughing...as you try to fit into your "skinny" jeans.

Look there is no skinny after 3 children. Your body does unmentionable things. As does nursing those 3 children. I'll stop right there, before the grotesque pictures become overwhelming. Let's just say that God didn't design certain things to touch your knees. Yet they do.

To solve my problem, I will hit up every thrift & consignment store within 100 miles during the next 3 weeks. I will weed out clothes that I and other mothers donated because they had so many stains no reasonable person would even think about wearing them again. I will try on the 3 that are left. Hopefully one of them will fit me and look reasonably decent.

I will also spend time shopping at Target (the only "real" store that has cheaper clothes that might fit me). There, I will weed out all of the clothes intended for women with the body of a 13yr old boy. I will try on the 2 that are left there.

Hopefully one of those 5 articles of clothing I'll try on will fit. If not, I'll be naked. And Lord help us all if that happens!

-Me