Why I Can't Sit In the Back

Here's the problem. I'm a people-watcher. People-watchers like watching people. Not in a creepy "I'm watching you" sort of way but in an "Oh my gosh! Did you SEE what that woman DID?" kind of way.

When we go to church, I can't sit in the back. If I sit in the back, I will be able to recount for you how every person in front of me decided to do their hair today, but will know nothing of what the pastor said. I must sit in the front. No one can be in front of me. If they are, I will watch them. And I will not watch the pastor. I know. I'm bad. Horrible. Probably shouldn't be allowed back into church.

For some reason, I thought it might be a half-brilliant idea to attend the Women of Faith Conference this weekend. Here's what I learned tonight while sitting at the very back of the audience:
  1. Natalie Grant wore HUGE, "those have to HURT" heals. I'm certain she needed a stretcher to get back to her room after wearing those on stage. Seriously. Those aren't natural.
  2. While I did love Natalie Grant's music, I was too busy stressing over the realization (for like the hundredth time) that I'm old to actually listen to the rest of what she was saying. I mean really! If you have never heard of "Make it Happen" by Mariah Carey, then I'm not sure you're old enough to be attending the conference, let alone old enough to be procreating. So really, pregnant woman who insists on making me feel old...that wasn't necessary. At. All. I'm not sure I'll be able to look you in the face tomorrow.
  3. Of the 2000 women attending the conference, approximately 1,980 of them owned iphones or other similar phones with a flash light app. The other 20 of us were running to the restroom hoping no one would notice that we didn't have the same phone as the "cool" kids. Except the one old woman 2 rows down from me who had an ACTUAL flashlight. I was scared to ask what else she might have in that purse.
  4. The lady 4 rows down from me had a really cute hair clip. I wonder where I can buy one of those?
  5. I forgot to tell my husband that I had some things dehydrating in the oven. I hope the house doesn't burn down.
  6. The lady 10 rows down was irritated for much of the conference by her bra strap as was evidenced by her constant attempts to fix it. She never succeeded.
  7. I wonder what I'll make for dinner tomorrow?
  8. Oh look! Our friends are 7 sections over. Let's wave wildly at them so they can see us while others look at us like we're crazy. While us old farts are waving, they'll turn on their flashlight apps & wave their phones so we can see them. And feel old all over we all run to the bathroom realizing that, again, we aren't the "cool" kids with the flash light app.
  9. Is it already 9pm? I should check to see if the kids have called. Or the police are trying to notify me that the cat is dead. Or something.
  10. It's 9:30? Have I really been on Twitter and Facebook on my phone for the last 30 minutes?
  11. I want some ice cream.
  12. WOW! Check out the HAIR of the lady in the next section! I'm fairly certain she was attacked by her hair dryer this morning.
  13. I wonder how old the flash light ladies are. Do they use the flash light on a regular basis or just at conferences? If it's too dark outside I wonder if the Flashlight lady will walk me to my car.
As you can see, I shouldn't have been sitting in the back row. I have a sneaking suspicion that Lucy Swindoll won't let me sit with her, though.


Melody said...

OH MY GOSH! So there ARE people like ME!!! LOL! I thought I was SOOOO bad at church...always looking and thinking and looking and thinking at all the things I notice...the things that randomly pop into my's so awful! Maybe I too need to be a front row person! LOL!

Thoughts of THAT mom said...

You most certainly are NOT alone! Sitting in the front row really does help me concentrate better.