Let's take a poll, shall we?

What is the number 1 thing you DO NOT say to a woman who has just had a miscarriage?

I'll give you a hint, K?

Try THIS one on for size, "Have you ever thought that maybe God's causing your miscarriages because he doesn't think you should have any more kids? Something to think on."

REALLY?!?! Is that REALLY something for me to think on?

How about instead, you think on THIS you heartless...person (Sorry. That's all I've got right now.)...who OBVIOUSLY is a MUCH better Christian than I could EVER think of being...YOU DON'T SAY THAT TO A WOMAN WHO HAS HAD A MISCARRIAGE!!!!!

Did I yell loud enough for you? Did you hear it? Did you get it? You're not doing me a Christian service in the name of God by telling me that God actually CAUSED me to get pregnant and then CAUSED me to lose my baby!

Is that something you'd say to a mom who lost her 1 year old to cancer? Or their 5 year old to a genetic disorder? Is that what you say to a mom who has lost her entire family in a car accident? That God didn't want her to have a family anymore so He took them away? Of COURSE NOT!

SO WHY ARE YOU SAYING IT TO ME!?!?!?

Are you KIDDING me?!?!?!

There. I feel better.

I know there are other readers who've had miscarriages or who know women who have. Any thoughts you'd like to give? I promise not to call anyone else heartless.

Today.

I had someone ask me this today. Normally, if I weren't pregnant, that question wouldn't have bothered me...even if I'd just had a child.

Today, though, it nearly brought me to tears. The words where right there. I fought so hard not to scream them. "I'm supposed to be!!" "I WAS!" It took everything for me to not break down. Everything.

And so ends my silence. Everything happened at once. We were moving. I had a new life inside of me. We were about to finish our move. I lost that life. My baby went to be with Jesus. I kept focusing on the move and didn't deal with our loss. We moved to a new place. I had to unload a truck. Needed to start schooling the kids again. Had to find a place to live. Couldn't deal with our loss.

Couldn't? Or didn't?

When our car broke down the other day & I cried uncontrollably for 2 hours, I knew it wasn't because of the car. It was because I had lost another baby, and I hadn't dealt with our loss. I kept pushing it down because I was busy, and that was easier.

I didn't blog because I didn't know what to say. I was hurt. Blogging about it meant dealing with it. And I didn't want to deal with it. I didn't want to feel the pain. Because that was easier.

I could be superficial on Twitter & Facebook. I couldn't be superficial here. This blog...this is my heart. And my heart is broken.

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas!

After a very long, very hard week, we have finally begun our trek to Vegas. They took our fully-loaded truck on the 23rd. We'll arrive in Vegas on the 3rd of January. In between, we're stopping in Chicago (where we are now) then heading to Oklahoma & Kansas to visit family before leaving New Year's Day to head to Vegas.

We've been without internet for over a week & will only have occasional access between now & when we get to Vegas. You can follow updates in real time on my Twitter or Facebook until I have full-time access to update you here again.

We would appreciate your prayers as we travel. We'd also appreciate your prayers for my health and our peace as I am currently miscarrying again, and have had some complications.

Have a Happy New Year!

Seems I've heard that phrase somewhere before. If my memory is correct, someone named Alexander experienced a similar day. (Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day)

My Thursday was horrible by all accounts. If I hadn't experienced it, I'd have thought the person telling me about it was crazy. That's why I prefer not to talk to myself.

My morning started at 3am. And I don't even have a baby in the house right now! After 2 hours of cramping, I finally was able to go back to sleep at 5am. (Just in time for waking up at 6am!) I felt just as bad when I woke up as I had at 3am. NOT a good start to the day!

After taking hubby to work, I headed to a doctor's appointment. I was supposed to be there at 10:10am. After my doctor's appointment, the kids and I were planning on having lunch at the park. I then needed to do some laundry and pack as we were leaving at 7:30 the next morning to head to Flint for a mini-vacation with Discover Michigan for Gary's job.

It was 9:15am. As I was about to enter the highway, I noticed my car was past hot. It was seriously overheating. Lovely.

I turned around thinking I could make it back to Gary's work. I didn't. After the car started smoking at the next intersection, I pulled the car into the nearest parking lot. Gary was in a meeting and I didn't know when he'd be out. Thankfully, a friend was able to help.

Did I mention that my hormones also started going crazy that morning? I literally woke up on the verge of crying. The car breaking down did NOT help that.

My friend gets there and we try to figure out what to do since her car only has enough room for 5 people total. And there were 4 of us...plus she and her 2 children. Somehow the numbers weren't adding up. And she didn't own a clown car.

We solved our problem by her taking my oldest, our son, and her son to her house. I kept my other daughter, and her 4month old baby. (It was horrible, I tell you. Having to hold a sweet baby for 30 minutes!) While she took them home and came back for the rest of us, I walked over to Gary's work. The baby was passed around, hubby and I talked, I cried...because I was horribly emotional, and my friend came to get us.

Shortly after, I learned that I had not actually completely miscarried yet. Hence the cramps at 3am and when I woke up. UUGH! Let's add something else to my day, please. Did I mention my hormones were also going crazy, and pretty much anything would set off my tear ducts right about then? Like if you looked at me. Or if a cat walked by. Or a bird flew overhead. Or I had a thought. Anything. Literally.

After I watched my children plus her baby at her house while she went to a planned appointment with her son, I finally made it to my doctor's appointment...using her car. I got there at 2pm. (Remember, my appointment was a 10:10?) This was an urgent situation, though, so they had no choice BUT to reschedule me. Thankfully, they were understanding.

At 3pm, her husband, a mechanic, took us over to Gary's work then went to work on our car. Gary's work offers a very nice benefit. They have a company car which anyone in the company can check out and use at any time. I hadn't immediately utilized this option because I'd hoped my car would be fixed by now. With all the appointments and running around, though, that hadn't happened. I also knew that this car was a piece of junk. Literally. It is a 1980 something car that they refused to repair despite many things wrong with it; although it usually at least got you from point A to point B. Not in comfort, but it got you there.

It was now 3:30, and I still had laundry and packing to do plus a meeting at 7pm. I didn't have time to reject a working car. We settled into the car and headed off. ("Settling" being defined as: Ensuring that the car has enough coolant as the "low coolant" light likes to come on and kill the car if all reservoirs aren't full, children climbing through the doors that do open to get to the side of the car where the door doesn't open, putting my purse behind my back because the seat wouldn't move and is stuck as far back as it can possibly be, rolling all of the windows down as the air conditioner doesn't work...and ensuring that the bobby pin is properly in place so we can roll said windows back up when we're at our destination...praying there is actually gas in the vehicle since the gas gauge is broken and I have no idea who last drove it, reminding the kids that they can't touch the radio or anything else as touching one thing can spark an electrical issue in another area of the car, etc.)

My first goal was to get to the gas station to ensure that I knew it had gas. As we were almost to the gas station, the car jumped, sputtered, the "low coolant" light came on, and just as I had it in the median of the road, died completely.

I lost it. Completely. With my children right there.

It was now 4pm, 2 cars had died on me, my laundry still wasn't done, I hadn't even started packing, my kids would want dinner in about an hour, and my friend couldn't come pick me up again because she was gone now. (And her hubby was still working on our car.) Did I mention that we needed our car to leave town at 7:30 am the next morning for hubby's work? Yeah. It was THAT kind of day!

I called a neighbor in tears, and she kindly came to pick us up. She also offered her washer knowing that ours had died, we couldn't drive to the laundromat, and we liked having clean clothes. At least I could pack and do laundry. Didn't know how or when I'd pick my husband up from work, but at least I could pack and do laundry. And feed the children. Home is a good place to be even if you're stuck.

At this point, I also called and told the leader of my bible study that I wouldn't be there. There is only so much I can handle in one day. She was understanding, and assured me they'd pray for my husband and children as they attempted to deal with my hormones. (Did I mention my hormones were going crazy?) And for a quick fix to our car.

I also advised my husband that he had better e-mail the people in Flint and let them know that his wife was crazy that we likely would be a little late tomorrow.

Just as I was wondering if my husband would actually have to walk home, my friend called me to let me know that her husband had finished working on our car. She would come pick me up in our car, we would take her back to her car, and then she would go to our bible study and let everyone know that I was uber hormonal and that they should consider saving my family from me give everyone an update on our situation.

Life from there on out was exactly as planned. Wait. No. That's not right. Let's try that again.

We picked my husband up, and grabbed a quick dinner out because there was no way I was going to walk into my kitchen and touch fire after the day I'd had. He then took us home, and went BACK to work where he stayed until midnight!! I'm not quite sure if he actually had that much work to do or if he just was scared of my uber hormonal state. I'm pretty sure it's the latter. I don't blame him.

Still, throughout this entire day, the one thing I noticed (after the hormones calmed down and I was pseudo-normal again), was that God was with us the entire day. Our car could have broken down when we were on the highway and miles away from an exit on Friday. It could have broken down while we were on our way to Flint or in Flint. It could have broken down anywhere or anytime else than when it did. But it didn't. It happened at probably the best time possible. (If there is a best time for a car to break down.)

The doctor's appointment? It was actually probably better that it got postponed. Had I been on time, then I wouldn't have known yet that I wasn't done miscarrying. As it was, I knew that by the time I actually went to the doctor. So we were able to address that then instead of having to schedule yet another appointment. (I had already had 2 in 2 days.)

We were never alone. In every instance, God provided a friend to help us. Two to pick us up and one to fix our car immediately. Our laundry did get done. We got packed. We made it to our mini-vacation. (And had a great time, I might add!)

It was a "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day". (Probably made much worse by my ever-present, bubbling over emotions.) But God was there. Even in the timing of the bad, I see His hand at work.

What more could we ask for; even in a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day?

-Me

If we could play God, I'm sure we'd do things differently. We'd make sure bad things didn't happen to good people.

We can't do that, though.

Because we're not God.

I don't think we'd want the job, anyway.

Bad things do happen.

The good die young.

Sometimes babies are taken from their moms shortly after they breathe life. Some before they even take that first breath.

This week, a friend of mine helped a good friend of hers grieve...after a drunk driver killed her friend's 19yr old son.

This week, I found out that a good, old, dear friend...who was like a brother to me...died young. WAY too young. He was the father of 7 children. His wife (an amazing woman) is now a widow. No one should have to go through that in their 20's, 30's, or 40's. That's too young. But it happens.

This week, I lost a baby. My baby had been growing in my belly. My baby is now in the arms of Jesus. I know I'm not the first woman to have a miscarriage. I know it happens everyday. It happens. Because life happens. And sometimes bad things happen in life.

I want to thank everyone out there who prayed for me. You didn't know what was going on. You just knew I was having a hard time. A bad day. Just that I needed prayer. And I did. Thank you.

I wasn't going to say anything here. I was just going to go on about my life and pretend that this had never happened. Call it trying to figure out a way to cope. I've never been one to hide who I am or how I feel, though. So here I am. I am hurt. Because something bad has happened.

I never want anyone to think that I would ever doubt God because of bad things, though. I wouldn't. I don't. I can't tell you why bad things happen to good people. I just know they do. God doesn't promise us that life will always be perfect. He doesn't promise us that there will never be pain.

He says that He can turn any situation for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. I can't see the good in everything yet. I don't know that I will on earth. I still love Jesus with all my heart. I don't doubt for a minute that He knows better than I what tomorrow will bring, and what is best for that tomorrow.

I don't understand why bad things sometimes happen, but I do know that God will see me through. He always has. Through everything. And He will through this. Even though my heart is hurting.

-Me