Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts


Mall Puts Out Emergency Alert for Stranded Husbands

Authorities at Galleria Mall in Las Vegas issued an emergency alert today asking all wives, girlfriends, mothers, significant others, or anyone who might be lonely to please come claim the hundreds of men who have been abandoned at the mall this holiday weekend.

Employees at the mall didn’t realize the severity of the situation until closing time Sunday when they were forced to shepherd out scores of men from stores like Dick’s Sporting Goods, Game Stop, and The Sharper Image.

“We even had to have security cut off the line at Starbucks so they could actually shut down for the night,” recounts one employee. “I think that’s when we realized the severity of the situation. We let them stay until Monday hoping some of them would just naturally wander out and go to work. Unfortunately most are still here, eyes glazed over, as if trapped in a mindless prison with no way out. Every woman or child who walks by; they look at hopefully. I've never seen such a thing in my life!"

Currently, officers are questioning each man individually to see if he remembers his name &/or the name of the person who brought him. Pastor Bill Mac who happened to be among the crowd, “With any luck, some of them will remember a phone number or address too...but in this day & age, that’s a rare find! I don’t even remember mine!”


Parents Devastated As Children Falter in Faith

Devastated parents, David and Cecilia Robertson of Holland, MI. learned Tuesday that their son had strayed from the blue Wolverine faith in which he was raised. “We just never could have expected something like this,” David said, “You think you're doing everything right...and then...your children just walk away.”

Cecilia recounts what she could have done differently to keep her son from “Going Green”. “We never even so much as allowed the color green to darken our doorsteps! It just wasn't allowed! Then, I looked outside at the grass which we took SO much pride in. What color was it? Green. We ALWAYS had to have that stupid green grass! Could WE have caused this?! Could this REALLY be OUR fault?” As Cecilia bursts into tears, David tries to comfort his wife to no avail.

In Oklahoma, the Dunstans are facing a similar story. Despite decorating their home and kids in orange and black year-round like a constant Halloween festival to show their OSU Cowboy pride, one of their children has gone astray. Jacob explains, “All we can do is pray. We can just take our child to the Lord and hope that he comes back to the light.” Holly, “You want to support your children. You want to let them know that you love them, no matter what path they choose. It's really hard, though, when they have literally chosen a path that is completely opposite to how you raised them. I mean, you don't want to call your child a sinning, heathen, devil child to his face, but...” Jacob, “It really makes you question yourself and your parenting. I mean, we have 2 other children! Are we going to screw them up too?”

The situation gets far stickier when the children decide to go to college at the opposing institution. Jacob still shudders at the thought of writing that check, but supposes he'd rather his child have A college education even if it IS at the University of Oklahoma. The Dunstans are currently searching to hire look-alikes to attend their son's basketball games as they don't think they can bring themselves to sit on the Sooner side even if it is to cheer on their son.


Parents Banned from Nearly 40 Churches for VBS-Hopping

A Columbus couple has been banned from 37 area churches for what authorities can only describe as "VBS-hopping". CPS was alerted when the children began showing up at one VBS wearing the shirt for a neighboring church's VBS. There were also telltale signs such as Kool-Aid stains on the children's mouths that were a different color than the Kool-Aid being served at that church's VBS.

Still, no one could have suspected how deep things had gone. By last count, it is estimated that the children of Frank and Stephanie Flowers attended approximately 37 VBS programs this summer alone. "They were going in the morning, in the evening, and even to special weekend programs," said an unnamed source close to the investigation.

Columbus Police Department wouldn't comment on an on-going investigation, but members at several churches interviewed say this isn't the first time they recall having the children enrolled in their VBS program. It's believed that the Flowers have never in their lives paid for daycare during the summer months. 

Betsy Brooks, the VBS Coordinator at First Baptist Church of New Albany said,  "It makes me shudder to think that had it not been for one mistake in choice of wardrobe...just a t-shirt...we'd have never known."

Accused Mother, Stephanie Flowers said, with a shrug of her shoulders, "We really didn't think it was THAT big a deal. We've been church-hopping 'grown-up' services for 15 years now." She claims they were just trying to follow His word, "What Would Jesus Do? I think the Bible makes that clear! Jesus said, 'Let the little children come unto me'!"